Nymph (2014)

The feminine

Kristina Klebe, Natalie Burn, Sofija Rajovic, Zorana Kostic Obradovic, Jelena Rakocevic

Nudity?

Yes (but not the leads)

The premise

Mysterious. Irresistible. Deadly. It’s a dangerous place. Just go somewhere else.

Except…

Seriously though, you should have just gone somewhere else, like you were repeatedly told.  Oh well, we can hardly blame our sexy adventures for not heeding the advice since among frightening mythical creatures mermaids rank somewhere between fairies and ceramic lawn gnomes.

The actual story

American tourists Kelly and Lucy (Klebe, Burn—judging from their accents they are from that American state “Europe.”) visit their old Serbian friend Alex in Montenegro (whatever).  His fiancé (Rajovic) is established as a bitch because she, completely fairly, is suspicious of these “friends.”  Anyway, they get trapped on an island with a killer mermaid.  Except since they can’t exactly be chased around by her, they spend most of their time on the run from this guy who’s just a mermaid enthusiast.  This Serbian film establishes the mermaid as being from Greek legend and there’s a lot of non sequitur references to the American novel Moby Dick—get your own cultural history Serbia.

The crescendo

The Mermaid (Obradovic) seductively luring men to their death.

Also includes

Rakocevic fulfills a classic horror role—that of taking her top off and then getting killed in the first five minutes of the film.

Beyond the film

The history of the island of Mamula given in the film, that it was a fortress before becoming a concentration camp in WWII, is all real.  The presence of mermaids, nymphs or sirens remains in dispute.

Possession (1981)

The feminine

Isabelle Adjani

Nudity?

Yes

The premise

Is it desire?  Or violation?  Devotion?  Or bondage?  Your hidden fears will be aroused.

Except…

If you’re looking for a straight horror film you might be disappointed as this film is more about a difficult divorce that just happens to also include a monster.

The actual story

In West Berlin secret agent Mark (Sam Neill) comes home from a mission to find his marriage in tatters.  His wife Anna (Adjani—imagine Sibel Kekilli having a nervous breakdown) wants a divorce.  Trying to understand her erratic behavior causes deterioration in his own sanity.  Mark begins a relationship with his son’s teacher and his wife’s doppelganger Helen (also Adjani).  Meanwhile we eventually learn that Anna is having a relationship with a literal, from hell, monster.  Why?  Because the screenwriter was going through a divorce when working on this film.

The crescendo

Got to be the monster sex scene. 

Also includes

Adjani topless as Anna and Helen.

Beyond the film

Adjani won the best actress award at Cannes for this film.  She vowed to never take on a similar role.

The film was dramatically edited when released in the USA and banned for 18 years in the UK.

Vampire Diary (2006)

The feminine

Anna Walton, Morven Macbeth

Nudity?

Full-frontal

The premise

All right, The Vampire Diaries movie!

Except…

Wait, never mind, this no-budget British movie has nothing to do with whether Elena winds up with Stefan or Damon.

The actual story

Holly (Macbeth) is making a documentary about “weekend vampires.”  In the course of doing so she does not let the right one in, and finds herself cohabitating with Vicki (Walton) who is a real vampire.  Much like in the vampire diary story that people care about, Holly makes the mistake of protecting her new friend and lover, who is clearly a monster that should be destroyed.  Besides she doesn’t deserve protection since either Vicki is terrible at being a vampire or Anna Walton is terrible at being an actress (it’s hard to tell which).  Also years before Twilight would do the same thing, the film gets far more excited over a vampire baby than the audience does.

The crescendo

Holly is straight, but Vicki explains that she’s able to seduce straight women because she’s not actually a woman at all.  They bring the documentary camera into bed for some POV sex.

Also includes

A weekend vampire getting the best/worst/last bj of his life from Vicki.

Beyond the film

The Vampire Diaries got silly a long time ago and you should stop watching.  Ditto Supernatural.  Nothing to do with this movie; just needed to be said.

Scary Sexy October

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This October all reviews will be of scary sexy films.  I’ve dug up some unusual  stuff and it’s all got nudity.

Here are some previous horror movies I’ve reviewed:

Psychos:

The Slumber Party Massacre

Sorority Row

Octane

Vampires:

Vampirella

Innocent Blood

Bloddrayne

Vampyros Lesbos

Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

Embrace of the Vampire (2013)

Various Monsters:

Species

Splice

Doppelganger

Jennifer’s Body

Cat People

Zeta One (1969)

The feminine

Anna Gaël, Brigitte Skay,Yutte Stensgaard, Angela Grant, Wendy Lingham,numerous others

Nudity?

Full-frontal

The premise

Women around the globe begin disappearing when a renegade race of top-heavy aliens from the planet Angvia begin snatching them off the streets.

Except…

Well, we’re told that they’re aliens, but the only space ship you’re going to see is on the poster.  When these girls want to go to their home planet, they use a truck.  Which works because Angvia is apparently in Scotland.

The actual story

A secret agent comes home to find a ham-fisted but attractive double agent (Stensgaard) in his apartment.  He strip-pokers her into bed where he tells her of his last mission.  Most of the rest of the story is his tale of the new age, pasty wearing women of Angvia and their feud with an S&M gangster over a stripper named Edwina Strain (Lingham).  You’ll have to overlook how the film goes into great detail about life at Angiva (the baths, the topless battle training) when our story teller never actually goes there.  This film is so lazy/cheap that when the women ‘transform’ they just spin around in a circle and when they fight men they point their hands at them and make a ‘zap’ noise.  That ought to be a description of children playing, not a studio film.

The crescendo

In the middle of a threesome our hero gets a call that tells him to get in contact with Edwina.  After contacting her, one of the Angvia girls (Gaël) magically pops into his apartment.  He asks her if she’s Edwina, when she says she’s not, he shrugs and has sex with her. 

Also includes

The insemination room.

Beyond the film

Do you like anagrams?  Look at the word “Angvia” and see what you get.

Elles (2011)

The feminine

Juliette Binoche, Anaïs Demoustier, Joanna Kulig

Nudity?

Full-frontal

The premise

The world’s oldest profession still has its secrets.

Except…

Well, not really.  The prostitutes only secret is that they are prostitutes.

The actual story

Hard to nail down since there isn’t a clear plot, time frame or resolution—it’s messy, like life.  Reporter Anne (Binoche—not clear why she looks like a prostitute in the poster) is doing a story about student prostitutes.  She goes into it with condescending pity only to find the girls (Demoustier, Kulig) revel in the money, flexibility and empowerment they get from being hookers.  There’s also the message that men, as the consumers of prostitution and porn, have no right to judge these women.  Though they do apparently have the right to urinate on them.

The crescendo

Demoustier fulfilling an agreement to provide services.

Also includes

Kulig fulfilling an agreement to provide services.

Beyond the film

This is another example of the odd trope of an unhappy upper-class middle-aged married white woman with children getting involved with prostitutes.

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)

The feminine

Victoria Vetri, Magda Konopka, others

Nudity?

Yes

The premise

Enter an age of unknown terrors, pagan worship and virgin sacrifice… A Hammer film greater than ‘ONE MILLION YEARS B.C.’

Except…

Well… that’s just not the case.  There’s a promotional short “Beauty and Beasts” showing Hammer executives talking about how they made Raquel Welch and Ursula Andress stars and next they’re going to do the same for Victoria Vetri.  Can’t win them all.

The actual story

The whole film is in a mumbo jumbo caveman language.  That worked for One Million Years B.C. because it was focused on the dinosaurs.  Despite the name, here the dinos are a side show in a plot about how a botched sacrifice of blonde women to the sun creates the moon.  It probably wouldn’t make much sense even if it was in English, and watching grown men yell gibberish gets tedious.  However Vetri’s main conflict is staying within her barely-there leather bikini. 

The crescendo

Vetri is showing a cave dude her wall paintings when he demonstrates his idea of prehistoric romance—grabbing her neck and ripping her clothes off.

Also includes

A film like this wouldn’t be complete without a wrestling match between a blonde (Vetri) and a brunette (Konopka).

Beyond the film

In Jurassic Park there’s a banner that reads “When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.”

The Truth about Web Cam Girls (2014)

The feminine

Sammie, Carla, Olivia

Nudity?

Yes

The premise

A documentary that follows three women who perform via webcam to paying customers.

Except…

“Perform” is a nice euphemism for what they do.

The actual story

The lives of three British women who strip, masturbate and belittle online, on-request.  Even though nobody has ever thought such a job would be glamourous, they explain at length how it’s not glamourous.  They can’t go out partying because late nights are peak wanking accommodation time.  Relationships are impossible.  They discuss their careers with their mothers.  Though a world-weary type might say they are all in porn, they each see themselves as having a different relationship with porn.  Sammie is an ex-porn star who sees camming as having more control; Olivia worries about sliding into porn; Carla is a current hardcore star.

The crescendo

Olivia has a photo shoot with her equally busty friend Jamie.

Also includes

Sammie has her girlfriend take over cooking dinner so she can accommodate a customer.  Carla has a different approach—she charges people to watch her cook in her underwear.

Beyond the film

Apparently you can see some videos of these women online which are NSFW.