Great Breasts Movies
Swimming Pool (2003)

The feminine

Ludivine Sagnier, Charlotte Rampling

Nudity?

Full frontal

The premise

On the surface, all is calm.

Except…

What?  The tag line and the ominous shadow in the poster would have you believe this is a horror film when it’s a story about a woman’s midlife crisis.

The actual story

Sarah (Rampling) is an alcoholic, food obsessed author of formulaic but successful detective novels.  Beset with ennui, her publisher (Charles Dance, aka Tywin Lannister) suggests she try working at his house in rural France.  Though at first productive she is soon disrupted by the arrival of her publisher’s daughter, Julia (Sagnier).  With no worries, no manners and frequently no clothes, Julia quickly comes to annoy Sarah.  Sarah becomes preoccupied with Julia and frequently spies on her while she bathes in the house swimming pool.  Meanwhile Julia considers Sarah to be an “uptight English woman who writes about dirty things but never does them.”   

The crescendo

Julie having sex with a stranger whilst Sarah judgmentally watches.

Also includes

Ms. Rampling also has a nude scene.  However while Ms. Sagnier is free to bounce around while in the buff, Ms. Rampling has to remain perfectly still, for fear that the movie magic giving her a body of a woman half her age might fall apart if she were to move.

Beyond the film

While prudish American sensors gave this film a NC-17 it was rated as suitable for all audiences in France.

The Grey Embrace

The Grey Embrace

Embrace of the Vampire (2013)

The feminine

Sharon Hinnendael, Kaniehtiio Horn, C.C. Sheffield, Chelsey Reist

Nudity?

Yes

The premise

A gritty reboot of the campy 1995 Embrace of the Vampire.

Except…

They seem to have completely missed the point of the original film, which was certainly not vampires; it was former child star Alyssa Milano breaking bad.

The actual story

Charlotte Hawthorn (Hinnendael) is a virginal, Catholic, undiagnosed schizophrenic orphan, barista and co-ed on a fencing scholarship.  From a storytelling point of view in many ways this film is superior to the original.  There is a mystery as to who the vampire is; characters are developed rather than just having personalities assigned to them; there’s a rational as to why Charlotte is important to the vampire.  Yet Hinnendael’s raspy voiced Charlotte isn’t nearly as fun to watch as the hopelessly clueless one that Milano portrayed.

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The crescendo

Just as in the original, Charlotte has a lesbian experience that really has nothing to do with vampires or anything else in the film—only this scene is longer and more explicit.

Also includes

Charlotte’s friends and rivals show their goods at various points in the film and they are generally more natural looking than the overinflated girls in many films.

Beyond the film

Did you know that this is actually a remake of a previous movie?

Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw (1976)

The feminine

Lynda Carter, Merrie Lynn Ross, Belinda Balaski

Nudity?

Yes

The premise

Bobby Jo was a car hop, she wanted to be a country singer. He was a hustler who dreamed he was Billy The Kid. For a while they had something… and then…

Except…

Here’s the real tag line for the movie “See Linda Carter TOPLESS” (They were so excited about this announcement that they spelled her name wrong) Yes, this was shamelessly printed on some of the actual posters.  If you don’t know who Lynda Carter is, her being topless in ’76 was a big deal.

The actual story

This film is a case study in awesome.  It opens with the outlaw (Marjoe Gortner) winning a quick draw competition then stealing a car.  The police chase him, he could get away but instead he circles around chases the police.  When Bobby Jo (Carter) catches his eye he starts following her around town.  This form of courtship is not normally advisable because the woman will call the police, but he’s so awesome that she just jumps in his car without ever speaking to him.  The outlaw tells her how great she is at singing and then they have sex in the desert (crescendo).  The next day they go to a bar where they get money by hustling at pinball.  They have sex again (in what is clearly the same footage just put to a different song—apparently the director thought that scene was so awesome we would want to see it twice) After that they take Bobby Jo’s friend Essie (Balaski) out to a desert lake where they all get naked and do mushrooms with an old Indian (which might not have come off as so racist if he had shown up in any other scenes).  While coming down from the mushrooms in a parking lot they encounter the police, who they handily escape.  After the cop car explodes for no reason Bobbie Jo says “I’ve got a sister who’s in show business.  Maybe she can help.”  And by show business she means a stripper.

Also includes

Another hour of film.  All of that stuff happens in the first third of the movie.  Things only escalate after they meet Bobby Jo’s stripper sister (Ross).

Beyond the film

Though Wonder Woman made her a household name, this would be the only theatrical film Carter would appear in until 1993.

In the Cut (2003)

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The feminine

Meg Ryan, Jennifer Jason Leigh

Nudity?

Full frontal

The premise

An erotic murder mystery which will show that everything you know about desire is dead wrong.

Except…

There are some mysteries in this movie but the murder isn’t one of them.  Actual conundrums include: why did romantic comedy sweetheart Meg Ryan agree to be in this film?  Why is her character so dumb?  And why does a 45 year old Kevin Bacon have a cameo as a medical student? 

The actual story

Ryan has a life that would be quirky if it weren’t so dark.  She tutors her students in a bar, rides on subways that have poetry in lieu of advertisements and hangs out with her manic-depressive half-sister (Leigh).  A crude and shockingly unprofessional detective (Mark Ruffalo) forces his way into her life.  Even though she has good reason to believe that he committed the very murder that he’s investigating, she starts boning him.  Also lighthouses.

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The crescendo

Have you ever wondered what Meg Ryan’s ass tastes like?  If you have, you could ask Mark Ruffalo, he could tell you.

Also includes

Ryan and Leigh languidly lounging in see-through clothes in Leigh’s apartment, which is above a strip club.  There’s a bit of a weird incestuous vibe between the two that’s never really explained or explored.

Beyond the film

According to Urban Dictionary “In the cut” refers to a hard to find place.  According to a Tumblr it means self-mutilation.

Exotica (1994)

The feminine

Mia Kirshner, others

Nudity?

Yes

The premise

In a world of temptation, obsession is the deadliest desire.

Except…

It’s kind of sad that the tag line and box art are actually trying to make you think that this is a late night skinemax feature when it’s a legitimate film.

The actual story

These are some things I yelled while watching this film:  What is going on?  Who are these people?  We know it’s $5, stop fucking saying $5.  Now what are these two doing?  This girl is an anti-stripper.  Why did this movie take us to the ballet only to show us a guy’s crotch?  Is that his daughter?  Wait, are they a couple?  Didn’t we see this scene already?  Are these events in order?  Is he advising suicide?  Why is he doing this?  What is with the damn wigs?

The crescendo

After a lot of going up on stage and adjusting her school girl costume (we’re told that this is super seductive) Kirshner finally shows her tits.

Also includes

A bunch of nameless extras establishing that yes, the characters are in a strip club.

Beyond the film

This not terribly good film actually won several awards from the 1994 Cannes Film Festival FIPRESCI prize to the 1996 Best Alternative Adult Film award.  Adult Video News should try to be timelier about giving out their awards though.

Insignificance (1985)

The feminine

Theresa Russell

Nudity?

Not unless you count a calendar hanging on the wall

The premise

A hypothetical meeting of Albert Einstein, Marilyn Monroe, Joe DiMaggio and Joseph McCarthy in March 1954.

Except…

I guess it’s them, none of those names are used in the film.  Presumably for legal reasons they are listed in the credits as The Professor, The Actress, The Ballplayer and The Senator.  There’s a lot of awkward use of pronouns in the film and when a Joe DiMaggio baseball card is shown it just says “The Ballplayer.” 

The actual story

Surrounded by adoring fans yet completely alienated from everyone around her Marilyn Monroe (Russell) seeks out Einstein (Michael Emil) who she believes will understand her situation.  While most movies looking to be intellectual are satisfied to drop some philosophical catch phrases, Insignificance has Monroe demonstrating that she understands the theory of relativity.  As the evening goes on they are interrupted by DiMaggio (Gary Busey) and McCarthy (Tony Curtis) who are both obsessed with Ms. Monroe, same as everyone else on Earth apparently.

The crescendo

Monroe moves to fulfill her fantasy of sleeping with Einstein.  And no, I did not get that backwards.

Also includes

A recreation of the famous scene with Monroe’s dress blowing up from The Seven Year Itch.  The view from bellow is described as “looking at the face of god.”

Beyond the film

While all of these people lived at this time the film plays pretty lose with the timing of events in their lives.

Tony Curtis also acted with the actual Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot.

Wonder Woman Links

Giving credit to some of the artists I used in my “Why hasn’t Wonder Woman had her own film?” post.

Slide 1: RachaelEF

Slide 2: Yaya Han by Martin Wong

Slide 4: Adrianne Palicki in the 2011 Wonder Woman pilot

Slide 7: Daniel Araya

Slide 8: Head— Shot

I unfortunately don’t know who any of the people in slide 9 were, but great stuff ladies and gentleman.