Zeta One (1969)

The feminine

Anna Gaël, Brigitte Skay,Yutte Stensgaard, Angela Grant, Wendy Lingham,numerous others

Nudity?

Full-frontal

The premise

Women around the globe begin disappearing when a renegade race of top-heavy aliens from the planet Angvia begin snatching them off the streets.

Except…

Well, we’re told that they’re aliens, but the only space ship you’re going to see is on the poster.  When these girls want to go to their home planet, they use a truck.  Which works because Angvia is apparently in Scotland.

The actual story

A secret agent comes home to find a ham-fisted but attractive double agent (Stensgaard) in his apartment.  He strip-pokers her into bed where he tells her of his last mission.  Most of the rest of the story is his tale of the new age, pasty wearing women of Angvia and their feud with an S&M gangster over a stripper named Edwina Strain (Lingham).  You’ll have to overlook how the film goes into great detail about life at Angiva (the baths, the topless battle training) when our story teller never actually goes there.  This film is so lazy/cheap that when the women ‘transform’ they just spin around in a circle and when they fight men they point their hands at them and make a ‘zap’ noise.  That ought to be a description of children playing, not a studio film.

The crescendo

In the middle of a threesome our hero gets a call that tells him to get in contact with Edwina.  After contacting her, one of the Angvia girls (Gaël) magically pops into his apartment.  He asks her if she’s Edwina, when she says she’s not, he shrugs and has sex with her. 

Also includes

The insemination room.

Beyond the film

Do you like anagrams?  Look at the word “Angvia” and see what you get.

Elles (2011)

The feminine

Juliette Binoche, Anaïs Demoustier, Joanna Kulig

Nudity?

Full-frontal

The premise

The world’s oldest profession still has its secrets.

Except…

Well, not really.  The prostitutes only secret is that they are prostitutes.

The actual story

Hard to nail down since there isn’t a clear plot, time frame or resolution—it’s messy, like life.  Reporter Anne (Binoche—not clear why she looks like a prostitute in the poster) is doing a story about student prostitutes.  She goes into it with condescending pity only to find the girls (Demoustier, Kulig) revel in the money, flexibility and empowerment they get from being hookers.  There’s also the message that men, as the consumers of prostitution and porn, have no right to judge these women.  Though they do apparently have the right to urinate on them.

The crescendo

Demoustier fulfilling an agreement to provide services.

Also includes

Kulig fulfilling an agreement to provide services.

Beyond the film

This is another example of the odd trope of an unhappy upper-class middle-aged married white woman with children getting involved with prostitutes.

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)

The feminine

Victoria Vetri, Magda Konopka, others

Nudity?

Yes

The premise

Enter an age of unknown terrors, pagan worship and virgin sacrifice… A Hammer film greater than ‘ONE MILLION YEARS B.C.’

Except…

Well… that’s just not the case.  There’s a promotional short “Beauty and Beasts” showing Hammer executives talking about how they made Raquel Welch and Ursula Andress stars and next they’re going to do the same for Victoria Vetri.  Can’t win them all.

The actual story

The whole film is in a mumbo jumbo caveman language.  That worked for One Million Years B.C. because it was focused on the dinosaurs.  Despite the name, here the dinos are a side show in a plot about how a botched sacrifice of blonde women to the sun creates the moon.  It probably wouldn’t make much sense even if it was in English, and watching grown men yell gibberish gets tedious.  However Vetri’s main conflict is staying within her barely-there leather bikini. 

The crescendo

Vetri is showing a cave dude her wall paintings when he demonstrates his idea of prehistoric romance—grabbing her neck and ripping her clothes off.

Also includes

A film like this wouldn’t be complete without a wrestling match between a blonde (Vetri) and a brunette (Konopka).

Beyond the film

In Jurassic Park there’s a banner that reads “When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.”

The Truth about Web Cam Girls (2014)

The feminine

Sammie, Carla, Olivia

Nudity?

Yes

The premise

A documentary that follows three women who perform via webcam to paying customers.

Except…

“Perform” is a nice euphemism for what they do.

The actual story

The lives of three British women who strip, masturbate and belittle online, on-request.  Even though nobody has ever thought such a job would be glamourous, they explain at length how it’s not glamourous.  They can’t go out partying because late nights are peak wanking accommodation time.  Relationships are impossible.  They discuss their careers with their mothers.  Though a world-weary type might say they are all in porn, they each see themselves as having a different relationship with porn.  Sammie is an ex-porn star who sees camming as having more control; Olivia worries about sliding into porn; Carla is a current hardcore star.

The crescendo

Olivia has a photo shoot with her equally busty friend Jamie.

Also includes

Sammie has her girlfriend take over cooking dinner so she can accommodate a customer.  Carla has a different approach—she charges people to watch her cook in her underwear.

Beyond the film

Apparently you can see some videos of these women online which are NSFW.

You and I (2012)

The feminine

Mischa Barton, Shantel VanSanten

Nudity?

Ass only

The premise

Love and desire… it gets complicated.

Except…

Apparently getting this movie to audiences was complicated too, since by the time it came out the story of two girls who are impressed by iPods, flip phones and t.A.T.u. seemed incredibly dated.

The actual story

Lana Starkova (Barton) is a small town slaughter house worker who dreams of becoming a model.  Janie Sawyer (VanSanten) is an ex-pat in Moscow who dreams of finding more drugs to take.  The two become friends over a t.A.T.u. chat board.  Them becoming lovers feels somewhat forced, which is appropriate for a movie obsessed with faux lesbians t.A.T.u.  Also characters repeatedly switch from English to Russian in a single sentence, which is fairly annoying.

And the award for “Best Photoshop in a Russian Movie Poster” goes to… someone else!

The crescendo

The girls come over to a nouveau riche Russian’s house only to kick him out of his own rotating bed and then have “the greatest moment of their lives.”

Also includes

VanSanten curled up naked in a bathtub.

Beyond the film

Barton, no stranger to girl-on-girl kissing scenes, said of this film “It is so much easier to kiss a girl. You’re so much more relaxed filming than you are doing a guy-and-girl scene. You can relax and have a laugh about it, whereas if it’s a man you have to kiss, the whole thing’s a bit tense.”

‘Gator Bait (1974)

The feminine

Claudia Jennings, Janit Baldwin

Nudity?

Yes (but less than you’d think)

The premise

[imagine as a blue-grass song] Desiree, Deseiree, Deseireeeeeee… That sweet gator bait Deseiree

Except…

[imagine as same tune] Raping, raping, rapiiiinnng… rapin’ and murderin’ Deseiree

The actual story

Billy Boy Thomas and Ben Bracken plan to rape Desiree Thibodeau (Jennings) but she escapes and Ben dies.  Pete Bracken attempts to rape his sister but their Father, T.J., stops him.  The Thomas’ and Brackens’ set off to rape and murder Desiree.  They find her sister Julie (Baldwin), Pete and Billy Boy start to rape her but Leroy Bracken kills her first.  Pete sets off on his own to rape Desiree, but she kills him.  She then mortally wounds Billy Boy.  T.J. kills Joe Bob Thomas.  Leroy attempts to rape Desiree even though we’re told she castrated him years ago after a previous rape attempt.  Her brother kills him.  The end.

The crescendo

While fleeing on her boat, Jennings’ blouse flaps wide open.

Also includes

Baldwin takes a bath of sorts in the swap.

Beyond the film

Followed by'Gator Bait II: Cajun Justice, which Maxim magazine accidentally described when talking about how ‘Gator Bait was a great B-movie.

Tarzan, The Ape Man (1981)

The feminine

Bo Derek, Akushula Selavah, others

Nudity?

Yes

The premise

Unlike any other “Tarzan” you’ve ever seen!

Except…

Because Tarzan is barely in it!

The actual story

Well off Victorian virgin Jane Parker (Derek) ventures to Africa to meet her estranged adventurer father John Parker (Richard Harris) and his girlfriend Africa (Yes, that is seriously the name of Selavah’s character).  They journey into the heart of darkness in search of an elephant graveyard, despite warnings of a great white ape.  This film, produced by Bo Derek and directed by husband John Derek, is a train wreck.  Tarzan is only able to communicate through a recording of the Tarzan scream from previous movies.  Hence in scenes with him and Jane are forced to rely heavily on Derek’s non-existent acting abilities.  Repetitive dialogue and needless use of slow motion combine to make the film overly long.

The crescendo

Derek is captured by savages who strip her and scrub her “like a horse” before painting her mud white.  As the foreboding chief approaches her, her father screams out advice on being raped.  Tarzan is coming to save her, but is stuck in slow motion.

Also includes

In a sequence that last the entire credits, Derek wrestles with an orangutan while topless.

Beyond the film

Based off an Edgar Rice Burroughs book that was previously adapted for film in 1932.

This film lost the title of “most sexual Tarzan” when Tarzan X: Shame of Jane was released, though it still holds the title of “worst Tarzan”